I guess it’s been an obvious characteristic of mine to be pessimistic, especially when my work and my educational background is concerned. I’m an insecure guy, balding and fat, and I don’t do anything to just improve a single inch of myself. I always thought that’s just me, and maybe I can’t change who I really am. But don’t you think it just sucks if you can’t change yourself but you don’t really like the way you are?

Take my work for example. I’ve always been proud of my baby, Bandwagon. And suddenly, I see these very cool apps that I tend to get jealous with, always starting to complain and feel negative about them. One friend told me this is the exact feeling of a loser. I always thought I’m a smart guy, but seeing my batchmates flourish with their respective fields, living life gleefully, with no hassles and strings attached, just makes me feel bad about myself, that maybe I’m just engineered the way a typical slums-guy is built.

I know I’ve achieved some stuff, but why this feeling that it’s never enough? That what I accomplished was never big an impact the way Ardee Aram did with his life, the way Dean Ancajas has become as a professor, the way Marte Soliza charms girls with his wit and intelligence? Would it make me feel good if I surpass them and look down on them, without being bugged by me thinking that it’s a bad thought to compete with your friends?

I’m just a bad person. Even I detest myself. I always hated the way I am. If I could just have the power to just kill this character off!

Don’t comment. I won’t even approve them. I can even hear you laughing right now.

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